Sobriety is part of my mommy magic.
My kids are 4 and 2. I am so deep in the trenches of parenting that there are times I can physically feel the pressure sitting on my shoulders. The responsibility I have to shape their little minds and hearts is both magnificent and terrifying.
Although I try to parent by leading through example, I know I don’t always get it right. But in one area, leading by example feels like a natural extension of who I am:
My sobriety lets my kids see there’s an alternative to drinking.
Our kids look to us to figure out what’s important. If my son is constantly…
- waiting on me to get a drink
- seeing beer in the fridge
- watching me pour drink after drink
- hearing me talk about how good alcohol is, how good it feels
- looking at posters and signs with beer and wine glasses on them…
What’s he going to think? This drink that’s everywhere must be pretty important.
My husband still drinks and we keep alcohol in the house. My son knows he can usually have some of mommy’s drink (but not always daddy’s). I’m not going to pretend like alcohol doesn’t exist, but I see it as our responsibility to explain to him why he can’t have any of his dad’s drink, since there might be alcohol in it. More importantly, we talk about why there is no alcohol in mommy’s drink.
Sobriety is the greatest gift I’ve given myself. The greatest gift I’ve given my kids is a mom who teaches them to manage their emotions without drinking poison. A mom brave enough to say NO when everyone else is saying YES. A mom who will give them the ability to decide for themselves who they are, and the freedom to proudly be that person.
When I think about specific ways sobriety has changed me as a parent, here are three that come to mind.
I model emotional regulation without alcohol.
Alcohol was once something I used as a tool for emotional regulation. I’m not going to get into the many reasons this is problematic and harmful, but I recently spent an entire afternoon thinking about what this can look like to a child. Those little hearts and minds that watch and study even when we don’t know it.
Cheers-ing at every table with the “happiest” smiles on every face.
Big exhalations of “Ooh, that’s just what I needed” or sighs of relief that accompany a visible release of tension in the shoulders.
Borderline freakouts when a drink is empty, only to be refilled or replaced at a frighteningly fast pace.
The frustration when a drink gets misplaced: “Where did I set my drink? It was right here. Where is it? Is this mine?”
Don’t even get me started on the declarations of “I need a drink,” which I have outright banned in my household.
These were all ways I used to turn to alcohol in an effort to feel happy or calm—or ways I responded with frustration when it wasn’t there. I can only imagine how that might have looked to a child.
My sobriety, and my ability to have hard conversations about the truth about alcohol, means my children will never see me turning to it for physical or emotional comfort.
I show them bravery.
It takes courage to walk headfirst into a life without alcohol. Many people couldn’t think of a worse fate. For me, that fear faded over time with practice and repetition.
Beyond that, it takes bravery to say, “No.” Even when everyone else is drinking, my kids see me choose something different for myself.
They hear me say “no” over and over, in response to every “Do you want a drink?” “Are you sure?” “Do you want to try it?” “Just one sip?” “Can I get you anything?” “Are you sure?” “Why not?”
Every day, I model bravery for my kids in many ways:
- By being a mom with a full-time job.
- By lifting weights so I can have big muscles.
- By sitting with them and their scary feelings.
- By reading the stories we shouldn’t pretend don’t exist.
- By proudly saying “No” when everyone else is begging me to say yes.
I set clear boundaries and stay mindful of the messages my kids take in.
My sobriety taught me the importance of setting boundaries to keep myself safe. As a parent, setting and upholding boundaries for my kids feels just as important—especially when they’re too young to defend themselves or even realize they should.
For me, that means being really intentional about what’s said around them, especially when it comes to alcohol. Just like I’ve banned the phrase “I need a drink” in our house, I try to be as mindful as possible when we’re around other adults who are drinking and talking about alcohol.
There’s no “You want some of this, don’t you?” when the baby reaches for the beer bottle. No “You’ll get to have this when you’re older” or “You know what’s important.”
That kind of stuff might seem harmless to some people, but for me, it’s not anything I want my kids using to form their understanding of themselves or the world.
Recently, I’ve started telling my kids that I have “mommy magic.” Mommy magic is how I know the truth. Mommy magic is how I know what’s possible.
Sobriety is part of my mommy magic, and every day I’m blessed to share that magic with my kids.
I’m able to show them that there is another path, full of more possibilities than could ever be found in a bottle.
How about you?
We’d love for you to share in the comments:
- What’s one way your sobriety has changed how you show up for your kids or loved ones?
- How do you stay mindful of the messages about alcohol your kids (or you!) take in?
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