“If I kept drinking, my life was going to be Groundhog Day: the same thing over and over and over.”
For years, my relationship with alcohol existed in the space known as gray area drinking. From the outside, my life looked successful and completely normal.
Behind closed doors, however, drinking had become harder to control. What started as something social eventually became something I used just to feel normal.
It took years of false starts, therapy, nervous system work, and support before I finally stopped drinking for good.
When Did Gray Area Drinking Become a Problem?
My relationship with alcohol stretched across 20 years. For most of that time, I lived in what coach Jolene Park describes as the gray area of drinking.
In simple terms, gray area drinking exists between occasional social drinking and severe alcohol dependence.
On the surface, my life looked normal. I was organized, successful, and socially active.
But things began to change behind closed doors.
By 2017, my drinking was escalating. Then, during 2018 and 2019, I moved beyond what I considered the gray area and entered what I call the danger zone.
I was no longer drinking mainly for pleasure. Instead, I was drinking to feel normal because the cravings felt unbearable when I stopped.
What Helped Me Start Building Sobriety?
Real momentum began in early 2020, just before the world shut down.
First, I found a new therapist who introduced me to Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, skills.
Then, on January 7, 2020, my husband Evan and I welcomed our dog into our lives. That change grounded me more than I expected.
I also started immersing myself in books and other resources about quitting alcohol. I found voices such as Annie Grace, Laura McKowen, and Jolene Park.
When the pandemic lockdowns began, I was suddenly separated from many of the bars and social situations that had made sobriety difficult.
Before that, I kept trying to force myself back into my existing social life. However, I did not yet feel prepared to handle those situations without drinking.
I felt like a fragile butterfly trying to transform while fighting the transformation itself.
Throughout 2020, I began collecting days, weeks, and eventually months of sobriety.
Still, there were times when life felt overwhelming and I returned to drinking.
On January 1, 2021, I drank for the last time.
What Finally Helped Me Stop Drinking?
Deep down, I knew I had reached my limit.
I also believed there was still a missing piece to the puzzle, and I became determined to find it.
Over the next few days, I searched online and returned to Jolene Park’s work on cravings and body-based nervous system regulation.
Suddenly, something clicked.
I hired Jolene as my Gray Area Drinking Coach that same week, and I never looked back.
The Turning Point in My Decision to Get Sober
My final turning point began during Christmas week in 2020.
I had made significant progress throughout the year. However, a series of stressful events during the holidays left me overwhelmed.
Slowly, the old pull toward alcohol returned.
I started sneaking drinks again and hiding them from Evan. At the same time, I kept telling myself that things were not really that bad.
The cravings had never completely disappeared during the months when I was simply trying to push through them.
Their grip had weakened, but once I brought alcohol back into my life, they returned with force.
Suddenly, I was thinking about alcohol morning, noon, and night.
Everything came to a head on January 1, 2021.
That day, I blacked out on the porch in broad daylight. I woke up to Evan shaking me.
I will never forget the fear in his eyes.
In that moment, I understood that all the breaks I had taken during 2020 had not solved the underlying problem.
If I kept drinking, my life was going to become Groundhog Day: the same cycle, over and over again.
Later that evening, as the alcohol left my system, everything clicked.
“I am never drinking again, and I am going to figure this out once and for all.”
For years, my drinking had lived in the gray area.
My decision to stop, however, became completely black and white.
What Surprised Me Most About Getting Sober?
The biggest surprise was realizing that knowing something does not change it.
Doing something does.
For years, I drove myself crazy wondering why I could not stop drinking even though I had read the books, listened to the podcasts, and understood the information.
Through somatic coaching, I began paying much closer attention to physical sensations, emotions, and stress signals.
My first homework assignment from Jolene was simple: check in every day and notice what was happening.
I had never really practiced noticing before.
Instead of analyzing everything intellectually, I started paying attention to physical signals such as body temperature, tension, stress, and circulation.
Once I noticed those signals, I could respond before they grew into a craving or emotional reaction.
Sometimes that meant going for a walk. Other times, I watched the sunset, practiced breathwork, or used another grounding tool.
Afterward, I would check in again and notice whether the feeling had shifted.
Over time, that daily practice helped me feel less controlled by my cravings and more able to respond to them.
How Sobriety Changed My Social Life
Another surprise was how much my social life expanded after I stopped drinking.
Before sobriety, I believed alcohol-free life would leave me isolated and miserable.
Instead, my world opened up.
I discovered a vibrant global community of people living alcohol-free.
Today, I still host parties and bring people together around great food and non-alcoholic drinks.
Feeling genuinely happy without alcohol was something I never imagined would be possible.
The Hardest Part of Leaving Gray Area Drinking
The hardest part of my journey was the period between 2017 and 2020.
I felt trapped between intense social FOMO and the belief that drinking problems had only two categories.
In February 2018, I experienced one of the worst nights of my drinking life. I spent hours on the bathroom floor, repeatedly getting sick.
Even after that experience, it still took me almost three years to stop drinking for good.
That taught me something important: a dramatic rock bottom does not automatically create lasting change.
At the same time, I was terrified of losing my identity.
I had always been the “hostess with the mostest.” I organized parties, happy hours, and wine tastings.
The idea of becoming different from my friends felt almost impossible.
At the time, I also believed the common idea that you were either a “normal drinker” or an “alcoholic.”
Discovering gray area drinking changed that for me.
I began to understand drinking as a spectrum rather than a simple either-or label.
As a result, I could focus less on judging myself and more on what I needed to change.
The Biggest Gifts of Sobriety
One of the greatest gifts of sobriety has been learning to pause before I react.
In the past, I responded quickly to stress and discomfort. Today, I am much more likely to notice what is happening first and choose how I want to respond.
That pause has changed my marriage, my relationships, and my work.
It also gives me a sense of internal stability that I carry with me every day.
These past five years have been some of the happiest and healthiest of my life.
Another unexpected gift has been rediscovering awe.
During the year I got sober, I fell in love with chasing sunsets.
Each evening, I watched the clouds, birds, and changing colors in the sky. Gold and pink would appear, disappear, and change again.
I could feel that beauty in my body.
One evening, something occurred to me:
“Wait, I’m not going to the bar from 4 to 7 anymore. Sunsets are my new happy hour!”
My Advice for Someone Considering Sobriety
My number one piece of advice is to try 30 alcohol-free days as an experiment.
Give yourself permission to pause for one month and approach the experience with curiosity rather than judgment.
During those 30 days, simply pay attention.
Notice what changes physically, mentally, and emotionally.
There are no right or wrong answers.
Instead of immediately thinking, “I have to quit forever,” focus on what you learn from the experience.
Then start discovering the activities and routines that help you feel grounded.
You do not have to chase sunsets like I do. However, it can help to find rituals that bring you back into the present moment and make you feel more connected to yourself.
Most importantly, do not feel that you have to do it alone.
For me, support came through therapy, somatic coaching, and community. Someone else may need a different combination.
Learning about alcohol helped me understand what was happening. Applying what I learned in everyday life, however, is where the real change began.
What Helped You Change Your Relationship With Alcohol?
Everyone’s experience with alcohol is different.
For some people, the turning point is dramatic. For others, change begins quietly after years of wondering whether drinking is taking more than it gives.
If you are sober, what helped you make the change?
If you are sober curious, what questions are you asking yourself right now?
Share your experience in the comments. Your story may help someone else feel less alone.
