This series showcases personal stories of addiction recovery and sobriety. Today’s edition is by Becky Handley, a writer and artist from the United Kingdom. Becky writes about sobriety and other topics from a place of honesty, reality, and truth. They’re also quite funny! Judge for yourself and find more of Becky’s writing at Becky Writes.
When and how did you get sober?
I got sober on June 1st, 2023, and my journey actually began thanks to joining Substack. I saw on Notes (Substack’s social media feed) that someone had shared one of Dana Leigh Lyons’ essays on her own sobriety journey. Within it, she talked about not needing to hit a rock bottom before getting sober. That was exactly how I’d been feeling.
I knew alcohol was not good for me: It makes my anxiety go from 0 to 4 million. It swamps me in a black cloud of depression. When I was in my teens and twenties, this didn’t really affect me as much because I was constantly feeling anxious and depressed anyhow. As I got older, my mental health thankfully got better, but the dips I felt after drinking alcohol got a lot worse.
I began to wonder: “Why am I doing this to myself?”
But whenever I considered sobriety, I thought I wasn’t the sort of person who needed to get sober because I hadn’t hit a rock bottom. Subconsciously, I felt that had to happen first and would be easier for others to accept.
This led me to look at what I was truly addicted to, and that was being validated and liked by others to the point of not doing things that I both wanted to do and knew would be good for me—like getting sober.
What surprised you about getting sober?
I think the biggest surprise was how much I put others above myself, and how much I craved and needed to be liked and to be seen as “normal.”
As I began to write about my sobriety journey, I realized I had a real fear of being “other.” I have never really fit in and was bullied quite badly by people in my childhood, but I also felt an otherness around the people who were my friends. I have often felt other people were given an instruction manual on how to be human that I never got, because other people seemed to just be so much better at existing than me. Sobriety was another way I would be “other.”
Thankfully, I pushed through the discomfort and began my sobriety journey. It has actually helped me feel less anxious and to find acceptance for who I am.
I am most likely neurodiverse (I am awaiting my official diagnosis), and being sober has helped me to find acceptance of this and my true, unmasked self. I am not a crowded pub sort of person. I like quiet nights in and early bedtimes for reading.
I do still have worries that the “real” Becky will be seen as boring by other people, but ultimately other people’s opinions don’t matter. I have lived my life trying to be what I thought others wanted or needed me to be. It’s time to be who I truly am. Sobriety helped me get to this point.
What’s the biggest challenge you’ve encountered on your recovery journey?
The biggest challenge was definitely telling other people that I was sober, which probably comes as no surprise from my previous answers!
The first time I saw friends, I was flooded with anxiety and I had a million worst case scenarios whirring through my brain. I drank elderflower tonic beforehand and had a script ready for anyone who had anything harsh to say. People had the usual question: “Why?” But no one cared.
It was another lesson for me: I saw that I was always ready to be in the wrong. I mistakenly thought that even something as personal as sobriety would require debate and defending.
It does still make me nervous to tell people, because people always want to know why and some act like you have suddenly grown two more heads. But I just try to be honest with them about my reasons: It was bad for my mental health, and I realized I was only drinking alcohol to try and be anyone but myself. It may lead to awkward moments, but it might also lead to some honest conversations.
What are the biggest benefits or gifts of sobriety?
I also feel much more myself and no longer feel like I have to try so hard. I can just be me.
It has also spurred a need in me to be healthier in other areas of my life, such as wanting to be fitter and stronger and wanting to be more intentional about how I use technology and social media. Technology can be just as numbing as alcohol, and I don’t want to be numbed to the world anymore. I want to be a part of it and feel present within it.
What words of advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or newly sober?
This is about nobody but you. Some people will be supportive. Some people will be indifferent. Some people will treat you like you’ve got three heads. Some people will try and convince you that not drinking alcohol makes you boring/less fun or try to make you feel bad because they miss the old you.
Stick with the supportive people and walk way from the people who make you feel like you were better when you were drinking. You have made this decision for good reasons and, chances are, their negative reaction has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Walk away and continue living your life for you.
I know walking away is easier said than done, and some people may think I’m being quite harsh. But do you really think you deserve to feel bad for a decision that only affects you? The answer is no, you do not.
Anyone who tries to make you feel bad does not have your best interests at heart and, as far as I am concerned, that does not make for a good friend or partner.
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