“Getting clean or sober is simply the cover charge to get into the club. Give the miracles time to reveal themselves.”
since February 2023. A retired entrepreneur and investor, he has experience in the software, broadcast television, and financial services industries. Dee is newly married to the love of his life, Ann, who recently celebrated forty years clean and sober. They live in the Texas Hill Country with their three rescue dogs.
When and how did you get sober?
As I reflect on this question, there’s only one answer. November 23, 2009, was the day I decided to get sober.
I had attempted several times before that, starting in 1985. I made a more serious attempt again in 1989. Both times involved a stint in treatment. The second time around, I actually made it 60 days without a drink. Both of those times—despite what the treatment professionals had told me—I was convinced that I simply needed to get away from the devil cocaine.
My early career was spent in the financial sector. I spent six months training in Manhattan, then returned to my home in St. Louis to begin my career in investment banking. During that time, in the early eighties, blow was everywhere. Many of my colleagues carried bindles of coke around in the pockets of their suits.
After leaving both stints in rehab, I successfully stayed away from coke and proceeded to transfer my addictive behavior to alcohol. On November 23, 2009, during Thanksgiving weekend with my family, I came downstairs for breakfast to find my mother, father, two brothers and their wives, a family friend, and an interventionist all waiting for me at the table.
I said, “Oh we’re doing this. OK let’s do it. I can’t do it on my own. What took you so long?”
The interventionist said, “You can live a life without alcohol.”
I replied that I did not know how.
That afternoon I was driven to Palm Desert, California, where I checked into The Betty Ford Center for a 90-day treatment cycle. I’ve been clean and sober ever since.
What was the turning point in your decision to get sober?
That day—the day before Thanksgiving 2009—was the turning point. I thought I’d been effective in hiding my alcoholic behavior from my family. I was wrong.
I was sick of my behavior and how it affected every aspect of my life. Work, health, fitness, and relationships all had suffered mightily for a long time. I thought I had hidden it well. When I discovered that the awful secret was out, and that my family and my business partners were willing to help me get well, I saw my chance.
What surprised you about getting sober?
For me, the biggest surprise was how easy it was once I made the decision and accepted the help I needed. The surrender was all that was required.
I had been incapable of that for decades. Being raised as a first-born son to strong parents and having achieved a great deal in my life and business, I was unfamiliar with the idea of giving up to win. I was unaccustomed to asking for help.
Once I did give up and give in to the process, there was a palpable sense of relief. I began to listen to others, accept the professional help that was offered, and the journey began with a bright, fresh feeling of hope that I hadn’t had for a long time.
That feeling lasted for a while. The physical and physiological impact of quitting was relatively short-lived. The fog seemed to lift after a couple of weeks. Sleep seemed to be the most elusive thing, but even that evened out after a couple of weeks.
What’s the biggest challenge you’ve encountered on your recovery journey?
Two things. The first was the idea of dealing with feelings. I had coping behaviors and substances that worked for decades to numb the highs and lows that came up in my life. Now, as a sober person, I had to find healthier ways and a completely new set of tools when those feelings arose—which they began to do quickly and fully.
The second thing was figuring out how to do all the things I loved to do sober, instead of while drinking. Golf, live music, professional sports games, after-work get-togethers, airplane trips, hotel rooms, road trips, sex. Yeah, that was big.
In treatment, we did an amazing job imagining those scenarios as part of a relapse prevention workshop. I was able to visualize doing those activities sober and then imagine reaching into my toolbox if anxiety arose while doing them. Now I’m able to participate fully in my life, including all the activities—and do it as a sober person.
What are the biggest benefits or gifts of sobriety?
Truly it would be hard to single out the biggest benefits. It would be easier to just say “everything benefitted from my getting sober.” And everyone.
I’m happier. My family is happier. My friends are happier. My wife. My dogs. It is the single best accomplishment of my life—and that’s from a person who has accomplished a great deal.
To answer the question specifically, I would say that my emotional resilience has benefited most absolutely from being sober. In the past when discomfort or pain from any source would arise in my life, I would reach for a drink. “Fuck that person. Fuck that situation. I don’t want to deal responsibly with this. I’d rather blame and resent.” The ability to sit quietly when agitated in any way is a master stroke of sobriety. The Serenity Prayer works magic for me still, 190 months into my sobriety.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I cannot stress enough how important that simple prayer has been in helping me process and resolve the drama of many individual moments during my sobriety. It may sound trite to those early in recovery or considering a life of sobriety, but trust me it’s not.
It is my experience and opinion that coping with discomfort is the starting place for all addictive behaviors. I’ve written about it many times on Of a Sober Mind. What do each of us choose to do in a profoundly uncomfortable moment? Do we fight? Do we react with outrage? Do we sulk and fall into “poor me” victimhood? Or do we reach for that drink—that drug—that bag of potato chips—that quick sex partner to get temporary relief from those feelings?
Sobriety has given me the ability to sit quietly when agitated, consider my possible responses, speak slowly to myself, and do the next right thing. That in and of itself is simply miraculous.
What words of advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or newly sober?
If you’re considering it, then why not try it? What magical benefits do you derive from being a slave to your behavior?
One thing that’s always helped me in my life when facing a big decision is: what’s the worst thing that can happen if I do this? Can I live with that outcome? If so, proceed. You can always go back.
If you’re newly sober and simply unsure of the future, or of the forever nature of this way of living, take it easy on yourself. The future is a mystery for all of us. The past is history for each of us. Live for now and make your decision about today.
Slowly but surely, time passes and you realize that you have some time behind you. The real benefits of living a sober life don’t reveal themselves in the beginning. Getting clean or sober is simply the cover charge to get into the club. Give the miracles time to reveal themselves.
Let us know how that works out for you. We’d love to hear about it on Sober App Substack.
Respectfully,
Dee
Want to share your sobriety story?
Thank you for sharing, Dee! We look forward to connecting with you in the comments.
Want to be published on Sober.com? If you’re sober and interested in contributing, we’d love to hear from you. Reach out to our newsletter manager here for submission guidelines.