My Sobriety Story with Josh

When and how did you get sober?

I got sober on August 22, 2022. A conversation with my wife a couple of weeks earlier, plus listening to the Huberman Lab alcohol episode that dropped that day, were the driving forces.

You can read the whole story on my Substack, or TL;DR: I had a bike accident (not while drinking) and separated my shoulder just before a family beach vacation, on which I threw myself a very big pity party.

The drinking had picked up for a while before that trip. My regular drinking at home consisted of at least a martini (more like a double martini) and wine or bourbon every evening, and sometimes a couple of martinis. Weekends were all of that plus more if I didn’t have too much going on. On the trip, a day of ranch waters plus whatever cocktails and wine at night left me not at my best for some challenging moments with our daughters (very normal kid stuff that was tough to handle when drunk, shocker).

I “got sober” on my own with quit lit, podcasts, and following sober Instagrammers. Then, a year and a half into the journey, I was feeling pretty lonely and was in search of community. I attended local AA meetings in person for about eight months and also joined The Luckiest Club.

Both communities came at a crucial moment for me. I was too ashamed to seek out community in the early days and could always find someone whose problem was worse than mine, which meant I didn’t really need that community. I’m glad I finally got out of my own way on the community front and accepted the warm embrace available in those rooms, physical and virtual.

What was the turning point in your decision to get sober?

A conversation with my wife (that I had actually forgotten) was the turning point in my decision to get sober. One night on the beach vacation, when I was incredibly drunk and had lost my temper while putting our daughters to bed, my wife confronted me in our rental house bedroom: “I know we’re on vacation, but this all has to change when we get home.”

I wish I could say that I was done, but it took a couple more weeks for me to completely stop. When the Huberman Lab alcohol episode came out on August 22, I realized I had nowhere to hide.

The upper limit of recommended alcohol intake per week was two drinks. I topped that in my Monday evening martini, which was actually four standard drinks. But if I had two of those per night, then I was only drinking “two drinks,” in line with the government recommendations at that time. Part of me knew this was BS, plus a lot of other issues with drinking over the years, but that episode disabused me of the belief that alcohol was doing anything good in my life.

At lunch with my wife that day, I casually mentioned that I was thinking about taking a break from drinking. Remember, she had confronted me a couple of weeks earlier, and I had totally forgotten that conversation. To her credit, she did what she does so well: accepted my idea graciously, didn’t mention the previous conversation, and kindly encouraged me. Meanwhile, I thought I had come up with this all on my own. I wasn’t ready to say “sober,” even though that was what I wanted, so it was just “a break.”

Two years after I stopped drinking, I wrote and published a piece about my literal rock bottom. I knew it was anchored in that beach vacation, but I had totally forgotten the conversation with my wife and so didn’t write about it. She read the piece and reminded me of the conversation.

In that moment, I was back in that rental house bedroom. I could see her sitting on the bed, me standing across the room wearing my sling, as if the moment were happening in front of me. Her reminder brought a memory that vivid back to me—one that I thought I had never experienced. So, I added an addendum to that post.

I didn’t want to change the whole thing because that whole exchange highlights how much I thought I was present in my life because I was physically there, and how much alcohol took me out of those moments, even when I didn’t realize it.

What surprised you about getting sober?

How boozy American culture is. Sure, I saw it before and contributed to it. Jokes about five o’clock at ten in the morning, drinks with friends or co-workers to “connect,” and insisting alcohol be available at every event (including kids’ birthday parties) were all part of my drinking life and still persist in the wider culture. I never saw how prevalent alcohol was until I stopped drinking.

Also, in some ways, I’m surprised by how easy it is a few years into this journey. The early stages of sobriety were tough, and I’m not undermining the important work of recovery. I show up in meetings and share with my voice and that is a huge part of what makes it easy.

By easy, I mean I don’t reflexively think about a drink anymore. I mean it in the title of the Jason Isbell song, “It Gets Easier, But It Never Gets Easy.” Sure, there are moments when my old drinking part pops up, and I have some brief FOMO or pining for the “good old days,” but then I remember the gifts of sobriety and how trying to find that mythical third door of moderation just isn’t worth it.

What’s the biggest challenge you’ve encountered on your alcohol-free journey?

Loneliness. I mentioned I was too ashamed to ask for help early on when I stopped, so I did what I’ve gotten so good at in my life: muscled through on my own. But eventually, I needed some outside support.

A friend of mine in recovery shares the idea of a sobriety map. When he’s traveling or even when he’s home, he knows where certain sober folks are from and can think of them and picture them on the map. It’s like a support network you can carry with you everywhere. I relied on this recently when I was at a very boozy event and felt pretty lonely in my sobriety.

What are the biggest benefits or gifts of sobriety?

Presence: I thought I was present in my life when I was drinking. I never missed work because of drinking and didn’t miss many big family events, though I did embarrass myself while being present and drinking at a few. But that “presence” was just a shell. Now, I’m fully present for the good, the bad, and the ugly. It doesn’t always feel good, but I’m so grateful to not be checking out anymore.

Connection: Sobriety is the gateway to self-connection. I’ve come to know myself in a way that I forgot in all the years I was drinking. I’m finding out what I actually like and don’t like. And this connection to myself allows me to be more deeply connected to those around me, especially my wife. I’m less defensive overall, and much quicker to make a repair when I have an unskillful moment.

Sex: I don’t know if this gets talked about enough. Movies and TV shows often depict couples or people drinking and then having great sex. I used to think a drink or three would get me out of my head and allow me to not be self-conscious, or maybe even perform better. Neither could have been further from the truth. Communication is the heart of good sex, and alcohol always got in the way of me communicating well or receiving feedback or comments well from my wife. I know there are a lot of contributing factors to good sex, but sobriety has been a huge benefit to this area of my life.

What words of advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or newly sober?

Give it a shot—it’s absolutely worth it. Also, find some community. There are plenty of paths to recovery out there. If you try one and it doesn’t fit, seek another. I’m grateful my sobriety stuck solo, but it would have been a lot easier walking those early days with other folks.

On that note: you’re not alone. I know it might feel like it, but there are people out there who are in a similar spot to you. Don’t let your inner critic keep you from connection.

Please say hello in the comments, and consider sharing your sobriety story.

Thank you for sharing, Josh! We look forward to connecting with you in the comments.

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