My Sobriety Story with Kaitlyn

“This is the one thing nobody else could do for me.”

This series showcases personal stories of addiction recovery and sobriety. Today’s edition features Kaitlyn Ramsay, a sober astrologer and coach who helps overwhelmed, highly sensitive folks feel connected and clear. She uses astrology in a grounded and practical way to help others live a fully expressed life on their own terms through 1:1 sessions, group programs, and her much loved monthly New Moon Workshops. Kaitlyn is a Canadian who has lived in Thailand for the past eight years, where she has learned to slow down and live in line with her natural cycles. You can find her website here, and her newsletter at: Loving the Dark Parts.

When and how did you get sober?

I got sober in 2020, right before I decided to travel home to Canada for the pandemic. The moment is burned into my cells and I can take myself right back to the table my ex and I were sitting at as we shared our last large beer. We looked at each other and I said, “I think this is it, my last drink.”

I hadn’t planned for that to be my last drink, but my whole body knew it to be true in that moment. Surprisingly, we didn’t even finish the beer—which was unheard of from my side because before that I was the type of drunk who would drink other people’s leftovers and warm drinks left on the table from the night before.

Little did I know, leaving that beer on the table would be the easiest part of getting sober.

By this time, I had been in the middle of an online Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course led by Jen Johnson, initially to deal with unmanageable experiences of anxiety and depression with no plans on getting sober (because of course that was not the problem, right?). It was a self-paced course that I dove head-first into. I started journaling, meditating, and practicing yoga every day—I was already a Registered Yoga Teacher for two years by this point, but you’d never know it by looking at me. I truly think this course was a big part of how I was able to get and stay sober and work through the beginning stages of the journey.

When I got back to Canada at the end of March 2020, I had to quarantine for two weeks on my own in my mom’s house. I had no choice but to be alone with my own thoughts, so I doubled down on my yoga practice (it became my new addiction), started learning about business online, and then I came across the world of astrology as a practice—which became the next layer to my sobriety journey.

What was the turning point in your decision to get sober?

My body was failing me (or crying for help?). I was hospitalized following a series of events—the biggest being waking up from a seizure in my friend’s arms on the floor of a Thai bar while my other friend was looking down at me, as pale as a ghost—followed by panic attacks, insomnia, and power puking during my friends’ going away dinner, then being sandwiched between two friends on a motorbike as they rode me to the hospital.

I don’t really feel like I made the decision myself, even though I know logically I did. It felt more like a do-or-die situation. I could either stop drinking and sort my life out, or I could keep drinking and see what happens—fuck around and find out, if you will.

I had almost died a few times before this because I was a professional at putting myself in dangerous situations. I think the part of me that could possibly learn to love me came online and whispered in my ear that we could do it together—or maybe that was God or a Higher Power of some sort, because I really don’t think I made the decision on my own. Something shifted in me that I can’t put into words.

What surprised you about getting sober?

The hardest part comes after putting the substance down.

Before getting sober, I thought putting it down would be the hard part. So hard that I hadn’t even considered putting it down as an option. What I didn’t expect was the challenges that come from being completely naked, raw, and vulnerable and unable to numb the feelings that all of a sudden came from my now fully feeling and highly sensitive body.

What’s the biggest challenge you’ve encountered on your recovery journey?

Having to be a responsible adult.

When I was still drinking it was somehow easier to go about life without taking responsibility for myself, my life, and my actions. I’m not quite sure how I survived, but things always worked out for me until they didn’t. People in my life would continuously pick up the slack for me when I fell short, my rent was somehow always paid (probably in large part to the cost of living in Thailand), I always had food to eat and a job (although I could get away with drinking on the job), and I had friends who would pick me up when I fell (literally and metaphorically).

Being sober means taking responsibility for my actions, my life, and the consequences that come with the choices I make. There is something to be said about learning how to do this from zero. Suddenly the weight of the world felt really heavy when I stopped numbing myself. I had to take the steps necessary to live a better life because this is the one thing nobody else could do for me—sure, they could continue enabling me and I could keep taking advantage of their kindness, but they couldn’t change me. I had to do it for myself, to see myself clearly (messy parts and all), and take the action to change my life for the better.

There was a period after I got sober when I could finally see myself so clearly that I considered taking my own life. I don’t talk about it a lot, but I think it’s an important thing to say because I would imagine many people experience the pain of being alive and facing the consequences that have accumulated after spending the majority of life oblivious.

What are the biggest benefits or gifts of sobriety?

The biggest benefit of sobriety is the byproduct of the biggest challenge I mentioned above. Through seeing myself clearly and being willing to face the parts of my life and myself that I was unwilling to see before, I couldn’t unsee the part that I had played in my life story.

At that point, I could no longer be oblivious to the havoc I had wrought on myself and others in my life. When I took responsibility for my life, I realized I was in control and I could steer the ship from here on out even if it was hard—I didn’t have a choice because it’s something I couldn’t unsee. Things were no longer happening to me. I had less reason to drink because I had taken my life into my own hands and things ultimately got better for me because I made it that way.

I get to live a bigger life than I ever could have when I was drinking—I couldn’t even imagine the life I’m living now because my vision was so narrowed back then.

Living life fully awake is the most magical experience. I no longer shy away from the intensity of being human because I love feeling it all. I feel alive through the ups and downs that naturally happen, and I’m not trying to control or hide from the challenging parts because I can see the value it brings to my experience.

I wake up excited for the day ahead (most days) and I’m grateful for each day (most days), which feels like a huge win after almost not having the opportunity to wake up again. Living this life, fully feeling, fully alive, fully awake is something worth putting the bottle down for.

I can’t believe I almost missed the opportunity to experience this.

What words of advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or newly sober?

Find a community that can hold you, whether it be 12-step, other recovery groups, sober folks online, or in your local community—don’t do it alone.

It seems silly that I’m saying this because I mostly walked the path alone and it was really fucking hard. If I could do it over again I would reach out to others going through similar things. It felt isolating, and now that I’m five-and-a-half years in, I’m starting to seek out other sober people. I can see how beneficial it is to have people in your corner who understand what you’re going through. Especially when your current group of family and friends don’t understand, are still using, or just don’t know how (or are unwilling) to support you.

Please say hello in the comments, and consider sharing your sobriety story.

Thank you for sharing, Kaitlyn! We look forward to connecting with you in the comments.