When and how did you get sober?
I got sober on January 24, 2008—pretty much against my will (at least at first). After passing out at work, I was admitted to the hospital with a 0.4 blood alcohol content and put on suicide watch. They thought my BAC suggested that I was trying to kill myself. I don’t think I was—at least that day—but I certainly didn’t care if I lived or died.
Once I was physically stable, I agreed to be admitted to the psych ward. At first, I was convinced that I didn’t need to be there, but that belief faded pretty quickly. I started to realize how upside down my life had become and knew that my actions were responsible—no one else’s.
What was the turning point in your decision to get sober?
From the psych ward, I went to rehab. The staff member doing my intake asked me if I wanted to be there; she made it clear that they weren’t interested in treating people who didn’t want to get sober.
I still wasn’t ready to say that I wanted to be sober, but by this point (thanks to the psych ward), I realized that I needed to be sober. That was the turning point—the moment I officially articulated that I didn’t have everything under control and needed help.
What surprised you about getting sober?
That it didn’t ruin my life. That I could go through difficult things sober and come out fully intact on the other side. That my creativity didn’t dry up. I’d spent a long time telling myself that I needed alcohol to function because, at first, it had helped me function. Social situations went from terrifying to a stage upon which I thrived. Pain was less painful. The world was exciting and brimming with creative possibilities.
Very quickly, however, alcohol started making those same things harder and added new problems to the pile—problems I was even less capable of dealing with because my time and energy were now spent prioritizing drinking at the cost of everything else. Life didn’t magically get better when I got sober, but it became infinitely more manageable.
What’s the biggest challenge you’ve encountered on your recovery journey?
Figuring out how to deal with all the things I used alcohol to suppress. I started drinking when I was 13 or 14 years old—it was pretty much my only coping skill. I had to learn how to get comfortable with discomfort, and I had to retrain my brain to not think of alcohol as the first and only solution to every problem.
It was also a bit of a rude awakening to realize that getting sober didn’t magically fix everything in my life. In sobriety, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and ADHD—my alcohol use was masking both. As they’d say in AA, the hardest thing was “living life on life’s terms.”
What are the biggest benefits or gifts of sobriety?
Alcohol was taking up so much space in my life that there wasn’t room for anything else. It was always my priority, even when I didn’t want it to be. After I got sober, I suddenly had the space to figure out the other parts of myself. I went to school to become a librarian, I started writing again, I got a dog, and then, later, goats. I was able to care for these animals and passions in ways I never would have been able to if I were still in my sleep-wake cycle of nonstop drinking.
Perhaps the biggest gift is the ability to transform all my drinking-related shameful actions into narratives that could help other people heal. Addiction is profoundly lonely; we often think we’re the only person who has done X, Y, or Z horrible thing or has X, Y, or Z embarrassing fear. Using my story to let others know they aren’t alone and that they, too, can recover is an honor. The fact that it has helped me release much of the shame I once felt about my actions is the cherry on top, but it’s nothing compared to making others feel less alone.
What words of advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or newly sober?
There’s no one right way to get sober. There are many options available, and everyone’s needs are slightly different. AA and SMART Recovery aren’t mutually exclusive, nor are AA and medication. I know that trial and error is not the most fun process, but please don’t give up if the first thing you try doesn’t “work.” That’s not a failure; you’ve gained new information and figured out one path that isn’t right for you. Keep trying, and you’ll eventually find the path that is right for you. Trying is the important part.
Also, find someone with whom you can be honest about how you’re feeling and who won’t judge you for it. Don’t push everything down or pretend the uncomfortable realities don’t exist. I know it can suck to let that stuff rise to the top and spill out, but I promise it’s worse to bottle it up.
Want to share your sobriety story?
Thank you for sharing, Katie! We look forward to connecting with you in the comments.
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