Relapse Was Part of My Recovery Story

Relapse is not a requirement. I remember hearing that clear as day in my first meeting in January 2018. That was going to me: I was going to be a first-time winner.

Today, six-plus years since that January, it has been a roller coaster that derailed many times. I could show up to meetings, make commitments, and work the steps. But mentally and emotionally, I couldn’t and didn’t know how to “dig deep,” as I heard other people say.

Relapse was part of my story. I was in and out many times over the years, always willing to give it another try. I had heard the phrase “trap door,” and it was real. Every time I thought it couldn’t get worse, it did. Crawling my way back up was harder and harder.

I believe that I had to go through every relapse and battle my way back. I think if I “got it” on the first try, I would have convinced myself I was not an alcoholic.

I didn’t know much about alcoholism when I started my road to recovery. Like many people, I believed that alcoholics drank out of paper bags under bridges. But those sitting around me were people like me: moms, teachers, doctors, lawyers—everyday people struggling like I was.

I knew I was drinking every day and couldn’t stop. I sought treatment with a push from loved ones. I really believed if some circumstances in my life changed, I would go back to “normal.” I learned very quickly that was not the truth.

I didn’t think anyone did the things I did, and I believed I was different from everyone. But as I listened to others share, they were telling my stories over and over. I couldn’t believe there were others who had done the same things that I had.

Once I learned about the “invisible line,” I knew I was where I was meant to be.

My road to real sobriety required true acceptance and willingness in all areas of my life. I believe every setback I had needed to happen for me to finally look inward—including at feelings that I had hidden in boxes and didn’t know how to access.

I had to go through the difficult and painful parts to get to the other side. I knew I could put down the drink or drug, but this work was the hard part for me: I needed to accept that I had to feel everything to finally stay sober.

I tried everything to get there and to open those boxes, but I couldn’t tap into my closed-off emotions. I had trauma that I hadn’t dealt with, and experiences that I never shared were keeping me sick.

I had learned to self medicate and numb. By doing so, I never experienced extreme lows but I also never experienced extreme joy. I was missing out.

It wasn’t until I started writing poetry, guided by keywords, that I found an entry into things I didn’t know about myself.

I discovered that fear was all over me: fear of not being a good mom, fear of not being enough, fear of not being liked, and so many other fears. I was able to connect these words to poems, allowing me to communicate feelings like fear and to explore expectations, hope, and courage.

This helped me put what I was feeling on paper—including words that I wasn’t able to speak aloud—and to connect to buried feelings and thoughts. This was a huge step for me to be able to then communicate verbally to others. I believe I felt so much shame that tapping into something that deep took a long time.

I also started painting and drawing as a tool to keep busy and express myself. I desperately needed to find an outlet to keep my brain from focusing on anything and everything. I needed to stay in the day, sometimes in the minute.

I learned in recovery that I had a creative side that brought me happiness. I didn’t think happiness was an option, given all the disappointments I created. Finding happiness and slowly starting to forgive myself opened a lot of doors in recovery. Understanding that I was a sick person and not a bad person let me look at recovery differently.

I started to feel like I deserved it.

Since 2018, I have been to in-patient rehab six times. I have now been sober for almost ten months.

I recently found all the poems that I hand wrote in pencil over the last six years. I felt that there was a reason that I held onto and found them. Reading over the poems and looking at my art, I thought: What can I do with these?

That is how my first book, Whispers Of A Wayward Soul, was brought to life. It’s a poetry book containing all my poems and some illustrations, sharing how I was feeling in those moments. It also includes blank pages, where I invite readers to connect with their own feelings and thoughts using the keywords that helped me.

Sobriety is worth fighting for, even if it takes more time than you wanted. Dig deep and feel again. The reward is your life back. We then tackle life on life’s terms, one day at a time.

Confessions Of A Disillusioned Daydream Believer.

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