Every year, I somehow forget the labyrinth of drinking that is our community pool.
The pool is lined with tremendous Willow Oaks. By mid-May, when it opens, the trees are leafing out, flowers are blooming, and goslings are teetering behind their mothers. Everywhere you look, there is the excitement of new life and warm weather.
At my house, however, getting ready for the pool looks a little different.
“Where are the goggles? Do we have enough towels? Do the kids have their floaties?”
Then comes the search for the rash guards. Those are swim shirts, by the way. I only learned the term “rash guard” last year.
My husband and I are a blended family, and together we have eight children.
There is the smell of sunscreen. Sunglasses go on my head, usually after I spend several minutes looking for them. Meanwhile, I pack a cooler with Capri Suns, Goldfish, Coke Zero, and whatever else everyone needs. Then I search for the ice packs.
It is frantic, and it is loud. For me, staying sober in summer sometimes begins before we even leave the house.
Why Summer Can Challenge Your Sobriety
Getting everyone ready for the pool frazzles me. Being frazzled draws against what I think of as my sober reserve.
That does not mean getting my kids ready for the pool is going to make me drink. Still, stress takes something out of me.
Once we arrive, I love watching my kids jump into the water. I love seeing them splash, play, and enjoy themselves. Not that long ago, though, I would have finally sat down and thought, Jesus Christ, I deserve a drink.
I know I am not alone because people at the pool still say it to me: “You deserve a drink.”
Around us, there are White Claws and Stanley cups filled with God knows what. There is also that unmistakable atmosphere of people getting buzzed in the sun. People laugh a little louder while parents shout, “STOP! No splashing! No running!”
Then someone turns to me and asks, “Do you want one?”
Sometimes they add, “You have to want one with all those kids.”
Every summer, I forget that I am about to spend time around people who are drinking. I also forget how vividly I can see my former self in their faces. They are laughing, and they look like they are having fun.
Then someone says, “Oh, you deserve one. You need this.”
At three and a half years sober, I feel confident in the practice of my sobriety. Even so, my God, how easy would it be to reach out, take whatever another mom is offering, and say, “Thank you. You’re so right. Cheers to mommy juice.”
That is why staying sober in summer takes more than simply deciding not to drink.
For me, there are two parts. First, there are practical strategies for the moment itself. Then there is the deeper emotional work of remembering why I value my sobriety.
Most importantly, I try to remember why choosing sobriety is one of the most loving things I can do for myself every day.
Bring Your Own Drink
BYOB is common sobriety advice for a reason. First, having something in your hand can make social situations easier. Second, it helps if that drink is something you genuinely enjoy.
If you hate plain water, for example, do not force yourself to sip miserable lukewarm water all afternoon. Bring a cranberry ginger ale. Pack a flavored sparkling water. Make water with cucumber and lemon slices. If nonalcoholic beer works for your recovery, bring one you enjoy.
Whatever you choose, make it feel like a treat. After all, the point is not simply to replace alcohol with another liquid. Instead, give yourself something you actually look forward to drinking.
Prepare Your “No” Before Someone Asks
Have a response ready before somebody offers you a drink. “No, thank you” is enough.
However, people who are drinking can sometimes be persistent. I know because I used to be one of those people.
“How can you not want a drink?” I would ask, genuinely confused that anyone could say no.
You do not owe anyone an explanation. Still, having a response ready can remove some of the pressure. For example, you could say, “No thanks, I’m good,” “I don’t drink, but thank you,” or simply, “I brought my own.”
Choose whatever feels natural to you. Most importantly, make the decision before you are standing in front of an open cooler full of drinks.
Have a Plan for Cravings or Triggers
What will you do if the urge to drink gets strong? Think about that before it happens.
For example, you might step away for a few minutes, go to the bathroom, breathe, and give yourself some quiet. You might also call or text someone who understands your sobriety.
Then remind yourself of what is actually happening: someone offered you a drink, but you do not have to take it. The uncomfortable feeling can exist without controlling what you do next.
Therefore, have a plan that helps you move through the moment without making a decision you will regret.
Give Yourself Permission to Leave
This advice is simple, but it matters: be prepared to leave.
Whenever possible, have your own transportation or another way home. Then tell yourself in advance, I will not drink today, even if staying sober means removing myself from this situation.
Of course, leaving becomes more complicated when you have children in the pool who suddenly develop selective hearing. That is exactly why planning ahead helps.
You do not have to prove that you can stay at a party, pool, barbecue, or gathering longer than is healthy for you. Ultimately, protecting your sobriety is enough.
Emotional Strategies for a Sober Summer
Practical plans help in the moment. However, staying sober in summer also means remembering why you chose sobriety in the first place.
For me, that deeper part matters just as much.
Remember the Bigger Picture
“Not this life. Better luck next life,” I sometimes say to my boys.
Usually, I am talking about something silly, like the fact that they have a mom who cannot match their clothes. I mean, how bad do checkered pants and a striped shirt really look together?
Sometimes, though, I say the same thing to myself at the pool.
I cannot drink in this lifetime, not with the body and brain I have. Maybe next life, I joke to myself. But not this one.
In this life, I have been called to heal from this thing.
Thinking about sobriety this way removes some of the debate. In other words, I do not need to decide every Saturday afternoon whether drinking is a good idea. I already know my answer.
Remember What Drinking Actually Felt Like
When alcohol starts looking appealing, I try to remember the whole story. I do not remember only the first cold drink or the laughter around the pool.
Instead, I remember Monday mornings after a weekend bender. My hands shook while I drank coffee, and there was a heavy, sinking feeling in my chest. My head pounded while I brushed my teeth and wondered, Are my eyes bloodshot? Does my sweat smell like booze?
Then came the desperate bargaining: If I just sit down and start pounding on the keyboard, maybe this feeling will go away.
Eventually, the day would move on, and the sun would cross the sky. By early afternoon, however, I would start thinking, Oh my God, I could use a beer.
Then I would go home and drink one. For a moment, I would feel like I had finally arrived somewhere safe. I would think, My God, I survived again. Thank God.
Except I had not escaped anything. I was still on the same vicious carousel.
Today, I feel enormous gratitude that I am no longer trapped there. At some point, the distance between what I understood intellectually and what I felt in my heart finally shortened.
Eventually, I absorbed something important into my bones: I never have to feel that way again.
Be Ready for the Trigger After the Event
One of the biggest lessons I learned in sobriety is that the difficult moment is not always the obvious one. Sometimes it comes afterward.
When I was getting sober, I could often make it through the event itself, whether it was a performance, a dinner, a holiday, or a job interview. I knew those situations might drain me emotionally, so I stayed alert and got through them.
Then I would come home and finally sit down. That was when the little voice appeared: Hey, you deserve this. You’ve earned this.
Soon I would think, Aw, hell. What’s one?
Before long, I was driving back to the store for another six-pack or another bottle of wine. Sometimes I bought a box because I did not want to run out again.
The next day, however, I would sit with my face in my hands and wonder, How did this happen again?
So now I prepare for the thing after the thing.
After a stressful pool day, party, barbecue, vacation outing, or family gathering, I pay attention. If that voice creeps in, I try not to fight it. Instead, I acknowledge it and ask what it is trying to tell me.
What do I need right now? What can I do to take care of myself?
Because drinking is not caring for me, no matter what the “mommy juice” memes say.
Instead, rest might be caring for me. Food might help. Quiet might help. Calling someone could help, and going to bed early might help too.
Alcohol will not.
Staying Sober Does Not Mean Missing Summer
There is an idea hiding underneath many drink offers: if you are not drinking, you must be missing something.
But staying sober in summer does not mean sitting miserably on the sidelines while everyone else has fun.
I still go to the pool, sit in the sun, watch my children swim, laugh, get frazzled, and yell, “No running!”
The difference is what happens afterward.
When somebody offers me a White Claw, I will say, “No, thank you.” Meanwhile, I may watch people run to the nearby Sheetz for fries and another pack of drinks. I may even notice the tallboys I used to love and remember buying them at that same store not so many years ago.
Then I will come home sober.
When Monday arrives, I will wake up without trying to reconstruct the night before. I will not hate myself. In fact, I might even kind of like myself.
Another pool day will be behind me, along with all those goggles, rash guards, spray sunscreen, coolers, snacks, arguments, and drink offers.
More importantly, I will continue to hold gratitude in my heart for my sobriety.
For me, staying sober in summer is not about what I am denying myself. Instead, it is about remembering what I deserve.
I deserve to treat myself with love and respect. Today, that means not taking a drink.
About Kristen Crocker
Kristen Crocker is a mother, stepmother, and advocate for normalizing conversations about alcoholism among strong, smart women.
She earned her MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Idaho in 2013. Today, she makes a living selling tree work and writes about sobriety and parenting in her newsletter, Recoverettes.
Kristen is also nearing completion of her ICF Associate Certified Coach credential. Meanwhile, she offers low-cost and barter-based coaching sessions as she completes her required training hours.
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