How to Set Boundaries with an Alcoholic

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What Are Boundaries and Why Do We Need Them?

Boundaries vary from person to person and can differ between genders and cultures. For many, your individual boundaries can be vastly different from the boundaries in your family. Essentially, boundaries help us maintain relationships and avoid situations that could make us feel like we have been taken advantage of.

Boundaries represent your level of self-respect. They can be rigid and fixed or diffused and loose. Ideally, boundaries are:

Flexible
Permeable
Clear

Healthy boundaries help inform others on how we would like to be treated. We can set healthy boundaries by:

Identifying our limits
Listening to our own feelings
Recognizing our boundaries
Being direct
Being assertive
Starting small
Granting permission to say “no”
Enlisting support from others
Making our personal time a priority

Your emotional and physical reactions are often the first sign that something is wrong. If you feel resentful, uneasy, or have a loss of energy, this can be a strong indicator that your boundaries have been crossed. Your loved ones cannot read your mind, so it is up to you to communicate your boundaries in clear and direct ways.

As you navigate setting boundaries, be patient with yourself. Communicating and enforcing boundaries with your loved one, especially when they have not been cemented, can be overwhelming and confusing.

It can help to begin setting smaller boundaries and working up. If this becomes too difficult for you and your loved one, consider seeking professional assistance. Setting and enforcing boundaries will help you conserve energy and can promote a more positive outlook.

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Where Can I Go to Help Me Learn More About Boundaries?

Mental health professionals can help you examine your set of boundaries and determine and enforce boundaries towards others. This professional could be a:

Licensed professional counselor
Licensed social worker
Licensed psychologist
Certified alcohol and drug counselor
Marriage and family therapist

You may even find a life coach helpful for exploring, establishing, and enforcing boundaries. If your loved one is currently in treatment, the treatment program may offer family therapy sessions, where you can discuss boundary setting.

You may also consider joining Al-Anon, a support group for individuals who are worried about someone who has a problem with alcohol misuse.

Setting Boundaries with Someone Who Has Alcohol Use Disorder

Setting boundaries with an alcoholic can be difficult, especially if there haven’t been boundaries in the relationship. One consequence of addiction is the lack of and constant boundary-breaking; therefore, it is up to you to establish and enforce boundaries to maintain your sense of safety.

The first step is to explore what behavior is unacceptable to you. Secondly, after you have decided what you are unable or unwilling to deal with, set consequences. Learning to enforce the boundary can be the most challenging, so give yourself compassion and remember that it is a learning process.

Lastly, these consequences may mean distancing yourself from your loved one. While this distance may be painful, it is important. The Al-Anon term, learning to detach with love, can be helpful.

Detaching with love shows your loved one you have not stopped loving them, but have chosen to focus your time and energy on yourself. This detachment allows you to view situations realistically and with objectivity. It is also a way to practice self-love and not allow the consequences of addiction to damage your mental health.

Furthermore, this detachment can help you lead a happier and more manageable life, less focused on the behaviors of your loved one with alcohol use disorder.

The Role of a Boundary Setter

Individuals in a boundary-setting role will describe themselves in a more autonomous way. These individuals urge their loved ones to make choices and not submit to the destiny of being in a relationship with someone who has an alcohol use disorder. Meaning, these individuals are no longer dependent on their drinking loved one.

The power differential in a relationship with a boundary-setting person is more equal. This allows more room for the person who uses alcohol to take more responsibility. With your loved one accepting more responsibility, this leaves you with an increased ability to manage and maintain your own self-determination.

An Example of Boundary Setting with an Alcoholic

To examine boundary setting with an alcoholic, let’s look at an example. After you have explored what behaviors you will no longer accept from your loved one, your first step is to calmly and clearly state to your loved one that bringing or having alcohol in the home is not acceptable.

You can then explain why this boundary is important to you and your family. You may want to limit access for your loved one’s use, but if there is a small child in the home, you do not want them to get into it.

You then explain the consequences if you find alcohol in the home, which may include dumping the alcohol down the sink. You may also remind everyone that alcohol is not allowed at home for safety reasons.

Another example of boundary setting with an alcoholic can be forbidding them to come home or come to your house intoxicated. Again, be clear and concise about the boundary, explain why this is important, and the consequences. This may look like this:

Boundary: Please do not come home when you are intoxicated.
Reason: Sometimes, when intoxicated, I get scared for my safety because there have been times when we argue, hurtful things have been said, and items have been thrown at me.
Consequence: If you come home intoxicated, I will leave and stay at a friend’s house.

Lastly, be prepared to follow through on the consequence. So, when alcohol is found in your home, be sure to dump it down the drain, and if your loved one comes home intoxicated, follow through with your boundary of sleeping at your friend’s house.

It is important to know that as you begin setting boundaries, there is typically pushback. Relationships have an established set of unspoken rules and patterns. As you set new boundaries, these rules are challenged, and your loved one will likely attempt to resort to previously established patterns. Regardless, it is important to remember that working on boundaries can improve relationships and even reinforce the commitment to each other.

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What Are the Benefits of Setting Boundaries?

Setting boundaries with your loved one who is experiencing alcohol use disorder can help you both:

Avoid feeling resentful
Avoid burnout
Avoid feeling dependent on each other
Increase self-respect
Improve communication
Learn how to say “no”
Improve overall mental health wellness
Take responsibility for your own actions rather than blaming each other
Reduce the risk of resorting to unhealthy behaviors

How Do I Know If I Need to Set More Boundaries?

When setting boundaries, you may wonder how many need to be set. A few key signs that you may benefit from creating new and/or strengthening existing boundaries include:

Feeling resentful, frustrated, or burned out
Feeling a lack of self-respect
Feeling dependent on another
Feeling like you are being taken advantage of

What Happens if a Boundary is Broken?

When a boundary is broken or crossed, whether intentional or not, always enforce the agreed-upon consequence. If the boundary continues to be crossed, it may be time to consider an appointment with a mental health professional who can help, such as a marriage and family therapist.

For some, crossing boundaries may be a symptom of their alcohol addiction, and others may intentionally cross the boundary. Individuals who intentionally cross boundaries may find it helpful to explore why this continues. Ask questions like:

Is my boundary realistic?
Have I communicated this is a boundary?
Do I enforce my boundaries?
What do I want to do about the continued crossing?

If you are interested in learning more about treatment options for yourself or a loved one, please call 800-948-8417 Sponsored and get help today.